Thinking Out Loud #2 – Haram Patrol

 

 

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So I finally get the chance to try the legendary the Black Forest Hot Chocolate from Costa. I have to admit it certainly lives up to the reputation. Its a seasonable beverage so if you haven’t tried it, then I implore you do so right away. Its not one to miss!

Anyway it’s a casual Sunday, sat with a friend having catch up. I wasn’t actually processing anything she was saying; just nodding my head and enjoying this luxurious drink. Rarely drink hot chocolate in general but this one certainly took me by surprise!

So in the blurred silence am just enjoying my drink and looking at her mouth move on mute, whilst I nod in timely fashion. (Every third sip, nod)

When…

SUDDENLY

I hear the words “50 shades of grey!”

“50 shades of grey, right okay!”

Am on my second sip, so one more sip, before the nod.

In that time am running through my mind palace…

“50 shades of grey, 50 shades of grey, what is it?”

 

Must have some significant value, otherwise why would I pick up on the words…

Anyway just as am going for my third sip,

BANG! Found it!

“Very popular, book porn for the ladies, but no pictures”

 

She got my attention; so put my cup down didn’t even go for the third sip.

 

“So what about it?”

“Oh the movies coming out this Valentines Day,

I was just saying we should go watch it”

 

For a millisecond I thought “whoaa is this a invitation for sex?”

 

But that wasn’t the case, she’s my friend and she, also has a boyfriend!

 

So I replied

“Its November!

And besides isn’t that the type of  movie you should

watch with your boyfriend?”

 

“Yh I asked him, but he said he NO!”

 

I said “Oh” lightly, and reached for my cup…

Just about to take a sip!

WHEN! I jumped off my seat! SLAMMED that cup to the GROUND!

“B**CH! THEN WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD WANT TO GO WATCH IT!!!?”

 

Okay, I didn’t actually do that in real life but I know in a parallel universe somewhere close to this one, very close to this one, There is a me there, who SLAMMED THAT SHIT IN HER FACE! And walked out like a BOSS!

Hmm wish I could meet that version of me, so bad ass…

 

Your possibly wondering why is he so mad?

Ill tell you why!

 

Who in the right mind, wants to sit with a chick in a room filled with happy couples,

watching another dude having SEX! LOTS OF SEX! DOING THE CRAZY SEX!

Then after the movie, go home separate ways, NO SEX!

All the while, knowing everybody else are definitely going to HAVE SEX! 

There’s just way too much SEX going on,  clashed with happy couples and some mans naked, butt on a giant screen for my liking!

But what really ticked me off was the fact it’s NOVEMBER!

“WHY IS THIS B**ch PLOTTING MY MISERY THREE MONTHS IN ADVANCE!”

 

Anyway in my silent burst of rage, I had an epiphany, a sudden realisation of great truth!

AND what is that truth…well it’s…

 

“IF AM NOT HAVING SEX THEN NOBODY

IS HAVING SEX!”

 

VIRGINS UNITE!

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I have established the “HARAM PATROL”

We are The Preventers of Haram in the Galaxy!

 

Equipped with a whistle and lolly pop stick, which has HARAM written on it!

I will be there in every moment…

 

Going for a casual walk in the park with your girlfriend….I will be there.

Going to the movies with your girlfriend…I will be there.

Enjoying a nice meal with your girlfriend…I will be there.

Talking to your girlfriend on the phone…I will be there.

Surprise birthday party for your girlfriend…I WILL BE THE SURPRISE!

IM Fucking EVERYWHERE!

Doing The HARAM PATROL!

 

There will be NO ROMANCE on my watch!

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PEACE OUT B*TCHES!

 

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